August 29th,
Today started out like any day that i have ever seen here, cool in the morning and suddenly at the drop of a pen hott as hell. The first thing i thought of this morning when i woke up was, holy crap its 0400 and im getting up to go spend 6 hours out in the dry desert sun in full battle rattle ( all of my "war" gear). Ahh, i love it! I couldn't think of anything better to be doing with the day.
Well i have been doing nothing but thinking of karin lately and i have been trying to deal with my hurt feelings by being friends. Which accually was helping alot, but again they are feelings and i cant change them no matter how hard i try to. I dont know how to put this since i am now out of time of this computer, and the line is rediculous, so this will be my post. I know that this is way harder than i thought it wud b on her but i just for some reason feel that we both need more time to make up our minds and listen to our hearts. i love her and miss her, always will, but i think that its best if we just stay friends for a little bit. I Dont take this lightly but i do understand how my actions have been and i am sorry...
I guess we will talk later people....
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
August 18, 2009
It is 0250 am in spangdahlem germany, i am wide awake with no hope of sleeping in mind... Something has been bothering me, something so simple that it becomes the most complicated problem i have faced in along time. The problem bothering me is the direction my life is going. Everyone on a day to day basis thinks of thier life and the things the have done, then think about the things the said person needs or wants to do in the future. i on the other hand obsess over this thought tonight.
The beginning of this year i made my new years resolution... something for me to do to improve my life. Something simple and attainable, a goal that i could easily reach and put behind me. I promised myself to quit smoking, possibly one of the most favorable by a majority of americans. Instead i am still smoking and more concentrated on something that is not as easily attainable but better for my life improvement. I watched scrubs tonight and it slowly showed me a revelation that i have so carelessly over looked for the past decade. How hard it is to operate oneself on a day to day basis, and how easily we take things for granted and how important it is to work your way back to the more simple time in life... when u are a kid i guess, everything was clear, simple, and meaningful.
Recently i have been working hard on concentrating on walking back to the beginning of this crooked, morally corupt, and selfish road i have so quickly ran down...
I didnt realize how out of control my life really has been. simple pleasure turn cold and meaningless, not even a raised eyebrow at them. The things we take for granted after they are gone haha. Y cant we just appreciate these pleasures while we have them? words i use day to day have no meaning anymore, just an implecation of direction. words like Truth, Trust, and most importantly LOVE. The more important words to me. Words that i use to hold so close and dear to me, words that i have once respected but so easily lost in the whirlwind called my life. I have become so out of touch with who i am, who i was, and who i am now working back to becoming again.
I understand now how easy it is to lose something that means alot to oneself. How hard it is to get it back once u have lost it. Daily i find myself fighting lying, dishonest behavior, impure thoughts and controlling the words that i so suddenly am able to release towards another person... Hurtful things... the things that are really easy to do, it just happens. i am sitting here this morning feeling let down by the lies of a lover, lies from family, and false aspirations that i once set for myself. there is no question in my mind that i am fallen. i look at them and place the blame, its not my fault i say... O how wrong indeed... I am guilty for many things in this life, those which i can take back and those that i cant and must be forced to live with. Life is but a series of decisions, how else better explain free will... i look at them and call them liars and in turn lie back. how can i say these things about the ones i supposedly care for and LOVE?! i have been dishonest to them all, i have lied, betrayed, and placed blame on them. It is easier to blame someone rather to blame yourself. of course, its not easier to accept the blame and do something about it. i know this already so why even try. For once i feel that i need to work back towards the great and i really do mean great person i once was. its time for me to take control of this life that has been placed, time to become responsible and grow up, take responsibility for my actions, and to become a person who has limits and boundries that he can conciously control. instead of living everyday boundless, and in a daze of disorientation and confusion with sparadic thoughts. time to focus and become a man. my mother once told me before her death at the dinner table this... Your going to have to grow up fast Dustin. That was it, the entire dinner conversation. i remember not even thinking about what she meant by it. i just added it to the list of words that i heard daily and had no care to think about. i know now what she meant, what she was trying to tell me now... alittle to damn late but still delivers the power and strenght that i so desperatly need to survive in this world. i feel alone at times, like seriously alone. I have two brothers that i call family because in fact they practically are my only family. the thought still lingers that whispers in my ear saying my brothers are truly only step brothers, different dads. My grandmother and aunts and cousins arent really family because my mother and her sister were adopted together. my late father and his family is lost to the corporate world and i have never met them and personally dont have any care too. its alittle to late in the game for new beginnings i think. i sit here and listen to myself say all this but what i truly know deep down is that, family isnt neccessarily blood. These people are the most important reason i have in this life, full blood or not i have friends that i almost consider family but its different since i am a soldier and trust them with my life. but i still have the earnest feeling of respect for them all. I have family and i have neglected them... i havent called them in a while, only tell them when i leave for iraq and call them maybe once in a few months then when i get back from iraq.
long story short, i am in germany realizing what an asshole i have been lately and feel the need to publicly apologize to everyone i have ever told i LOVE... i am sorry, and im making progress everyday to become a better person, wars arent won in a day or without faith! hang in there guys, im coming. i promise that i will try my hardest to become the person you once all knew. I used the excuse to myself that too much time i the desert alone and too much time away have been the driving force behind my seperation and push away from those i love when really that was just an uncomplicated and reasonable excuse. but its still only an excuse... The reason is neglect and now that i am alone, desperate, and down i finally realize what i have lost and have taken for granted. Now its time to work towards perfection.
Dont get me wrong on this post, i am not in any means copin a plea for attention, or for sympathy. i am merely recognizing that i have wrong so many, that i am guilty and feel that i owe it to u all to make an effort to tell u.
You all know me as a person who would never share his true emotions with anyone! i dont just give that shit away to whoever will listen. i hold my problems to myself because no one wants to hear that shit. well this time its time for u to hear since im telling.
And Karin, karin, karin.. i cannot even start with u. since we have decided to take a break, i have only felt remorse for my actions and ur actions that i could have prevented, but instead jus let slip through for watever reason sounded good at the moment... I Loved you from the first day i saw u!!! remember that i stood there not saying a word? haha u did something to me that day that i wud never understand... u made me feel love, everything i had for defense withered away like a a flower in winter. jus dissapeared and left me open to u. I will love you until i die! i have tried to get u out of my head, to forget u, to not talk to u. all unsuccessful and pety. We need this time to figure out where we want to go in this all, what we can forgive and let go the many times we hurt each other. u know... i sit here with a smile on my face and a tears in my eyes. im listening to the song rocket man by elton john... i have never listen to him, because hes gay pretty bad for me to say that huh? damn he can sing pure emotion. this song makes think about the way i really feel right now... i feel like i am out there jus floating in outter space, so far from everything i know and love, so cold, so alone... it brings tears to my eyes to see for my self that i have floated away from eveyone and everything... But it brings a smile on my face to know that i have truly loved, truly felt the regret of my actions, truly feel the need to change. and even though i am headed out away from all of u, im heading to a place where i can start over and become the man u knew me as when we first met. do u believe in happy endings? u asked me that and i told u that i was irish.. u didnt understand but irish stories dont have happy endings. well i am also native american it turns out... i have a vision, the day where u and i can have our happy ending, me home from war, have a family, have friends, and a house. the simple pleasures in life karin... now i listen to elton johns- your song. tears are still on the verge of spilling out of my eyes and embarrassing me. i dont care because i feel u inside my heart when i hear this exploited mans sweet words... urs are the sweetest eyes that i have ever seen. i love u karin, im always here. even if i am not there...
Alskar dig sotnos!!! thanks :)
The beginning of this year i made my new years resolution... something for me to do to improve my life. Something simple and attainable, a goal that i could easily reach and put behind me. I promised myself to quit smoking, possibly one of the most favorable by a majority of americans. Instead i am still smoking and more concentrated on something that is not as easily attainable but better for my life improvement. I watched scrubs tonight and it slowly showed me a revelation that i have so carelessly over looked for the past decade. How hard it is to operate oneself on a day to day basis, and how easily we take things for granted and how important it is to work your way back to the more simple time in life... when u are a kid i guess, everything was clear, simple, and meaningful.
Recently i have been working hard on concentrating on walking back to the beginning of this crooked, morally corupt, and selfish road i have so quickly ran down...
I didnt realize how out of control my life really has been. simple pleasure turn cold and meaningless, not even a raised eyebrow at them. The things we take for granted after they are gone haha. Y cant we just appreciate these pleasures while we have them? words i use day to day have no meaning anymore, just an implecation of direction. words like Truth, Trust, and most importantly LOVE. The more important words to me. Words that i use to hold so close and dear to me, words that i have once respected but so easily lost in the whirlwind called my life. I have become so out of touch with who i am, who i was, and who i am now working back to becoming again.
I understand now how easy it is to lose something that means alot to oneself. How hard it is to get it back once u have lost it. Daily i find myself fighting lying, dishonest behavior, impure thoughts and controlling the words that i so suddenly am able to release towards another person... Hurtful things... the things that are really easy to do, it just happens. i am sitting here this morning feeling let down by the lies of a lover, lies from family, and false aspirations that i once set for myself. there is no question in my mind that i am fallen. i look at them and place the blame, its not my fault i say... O how wrong indeed... I am guilty for many things in this life, those which i can take back and those that i cant and must be forced to live with. Life is but a series of decisions, how else better explain free will... i look at them and call them liars and in turn lie back. how can i say these things about the ones i supposedly care for and LOVE?! i have been dishonest to them all, i have lied, betrayed, and placed blame on them. It is easier to blame someone rather to blame yourself. of course, its not easier to accept the blame and do something about it. i know this already so why even try. For once i feel that i need to work back towards the great and i really do mean great person i once was. its time for me to take control of this life that has been placed, time to become responsible and grow up, take responsibility for my actions, and to become a person who has limits and boundries that he can conciously control. instead of living everyday boundless, and in a daze of disorientation and confusion with sparadic thoughts. time to focus and become a man. my mother once told me before her death at the dinner table this... Your going to have to grow up fast Dustin. That was it, the entire dinner conversation. i remember not even thinking about what she meant by it. i just added it to the list of words that i heard daily and had no care to think about. i know now what she meant, what she was trying to tell me now... alittle to damn late but still delivers the power and strenght that i so desperatly need to survive in this world. i feel alone at times, like seriously alone. I have two brothers that i call family because in fact they practically are my only family. the thought still lingers that whispers in my ear saying my brothers are truly only step brothers, different dads. My grandmother and aunts and cousins arent really family because my mother and her sister were adopted together. my late father and his family is lost to the corporate world and i have never met them and personally dont have any care too. its alittle to late in the game for new beginnings i think. i sit here and listen to myself say all this but what i truly know deep down is that, family isnt neccessarily blood. These people are the most important reason i have in this life, full blood or not i have friends that i almost consider family but its different since i am a soldier and trust them with my life. but i still have the earnest feeling of respect for them all. I have family and i have neglected them... i havent called them in a while, only tell them when i leave for iraq and call them maybe once in a few months then when i get back from iraq.
long story short, i am in germany realizing what an asshole i have been lately and feel the need to publicly apologize to everyone i have ever told i LOVE... i am sorry, and im making progress everyday to become a better person, wars arent won in a day or without faith! hang in there guys, im coming. i promise that i will try my hardest to become the person you once all knew. I used the excuse to myself that too much time i the desert alone and too much time away have been the driving force behind my seperation and push away from those i love when really that was just an uncomplicated and reasonable excuse. but its still only an excuse... The reason is neglect and now that i am alone, desperate, and down i finally realize what i have lost and have taken for granted. Now its time to work towards perfection.
Dont get me wrong on this post, i am not in any means copin a plea for attention, or for sympathy. i am merely recognizing that i have wrong so many, that i am guilty and feel that i owe it to u all to make an effort to tell u.
You all know me as a person who would never share his true emotions with anyone! i dont just give that shit away to whoever will listen. i hold my problems to myself because no one wants to hear that shit. well this time its time for u to hear since im telling.
And Karin, karin, karin.. i cannot even start with u. since we have decided to take a break, i have only felt remorse for my actions and ur actions that i could have prevented, but instead jus let slip through for watever reason sounded good at the moment... I Loved you from the first day i saw u!!! remember that i stood there not saying a word? haha u did something to me that day that i wud never understand... u made me feel love, everything i had for defense withered away like a a flower in winter. jus dissapeared and left me open to u. I will love you until i die! i have tried to get u out of my head, to forget u, to not talk to u. all unsuccessful and pety. We need this time to figure out where we want to go in this all, what we can forgive and let go the many times we hurt each other. u know... i sit here with a smile on my face and a tears in my eyes. im listening to the song rocket man by elton john... i have never listen to him, because hes gay pretty bad for me to say that huh? damn he can sing pure emotion. this song makes think about the way i really feel right now... i feel like i am out there jus floating in outter space, so far from everything i know and love, so cold, so alone... it brings tears to my eyes to see for my self that i have floated away from eveyone and everything... But it brings a smile on my face to know that i have truly loved, truly felt the regret of my actions, truly feel the need to change. and even though i am headed out away from all of u, im heading to a place where i can start over and become the man u knew me as when we first met. do u believe in happy endings? u asked me that and i told u that i was irish.. u didnt understand but irish stories dont have happy endings. well i am also native american it turns out... i have a vision, the day where u and i can have our happy ending, me home from war, have a family, have friends, and a house. the simple pleasures in life karin... now i listen to elton johns- your song. tears are still on the verge of spilling out of my eyes and embarrassing me. i dont care because i feel u inside my heart when i hear this exploited mans sweet words... urs are the sweetest eyes that i have ever seen. i love u karin, im always here. even if i am not there...
Alskar dig sotnos!!! thanks :)
Sunday, August 2, 2009
opportunity
Opportunity is the ability to seize wat is placed in front of you. Missed opportunity is the story infront of my life... What is it that makes us indifferent , makes us believe in the impossible the implausible? Makes us wish for the happy ending that we so much crave? rooting for the underdog! Makes us wish the best in a person? Answer this and u might be onto a plausible solution to the inevital truth of question...
the reason for faith and the holding of faith in general... once a thief, always a thief? Once a liar, always a liar? or the faith that a liar and thief will change. ? The simple questions that lead to a complicated answer........................... what if we had a simple solution to a complicated problem...? Would we be answered as misunderstood or misunderstood as knowledgeable? Question without reason or reason without question? 50/50? reasonable fate or unreasonable fate? vis versa black and white or conclude the decision of the gray factor... the conclusion with the alternative as the outcome... Tis it in he eyes of the nobeler or in the eyes of the world? he is to question!
peace
the reason for faith and the holding of faith in general... once a thief, always a thief? Once a liar, always a liar? or the faith that a liar and thief will change. ? The simple questions that lead to a complicated answer........................... what if we had a simple solution to a complicated problem...? Would we be answered as misunderstood or misunderstood as knowledgeable? Question without reason or reason without question? 50/50? reasonable fate or unreasonable fate? vis versa black and white or conclude the decision of the gray factor... the conclusion with the alternative as the outcome... Tis it in he eyes of the nobeler or in the eyes of the world? he is to question!
peace
Ready for Deployment?
Tonight i sit in my room, broken hearted from a relationship of a year with an empty ending, a year of training with an empty hope of confidence and a can full of beer. I sit here thinking of a purpose of meaning and a meaning of existence... I think of the times i have had and the times i wish i had had... the things we regret are the things we have not done. great quote from a great enlightened man. but if i wud have done those things i wud not have had the last fews days i wud be in a different spot than the one i am in. so shud i have done them? i dont know, but what i do know is the things done cant be undone but altered in the future. Make not the mistakes of the past but the advantages of the learning from the difference of the mistakes from the past into the decisions of the future! so i sit here in my friends room, drinking beer playing spades and thinking of the deployment of a lifetime... shitty place and shitty people. it will indeed be a deployment to test the physical and mental willl of a solider. to deny ones abilities to learn from mistakes is to deny their very existence. hopefully they will learn thier job... hopefully. for now all i am left with is learning how to cope with my mistakes of trusting others who have not earned such a thing as trust, and the trusting of others from my mistakes...
godspeed?
godspeed?
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