My grandma just passed away last night. I'm confused and upset with myself, it seems that people continue to pass on, but yet i can only remember one funeral. My mothers... It seems to me that as a self defense mechanism, the people who are the closest to me, are the people who i push out of my life... maybe for the fear of having to deal with losing them... There have been members of my family that have passed away but i didnt attend their funeral. There was always a reason or something impedeing me. Well, my Grandmother and grandfather did alot for me, and Im not sure that i had ever returned the favor... The christmas cards and presents, the birthdays and the one thing that my grandma and grandpa did for me when they found out i probably wasnt going to attend college... Private military academy... They always provided for my future.
It's weird, the understanding you get from losing your grandparents. After you have lived your life and your future is locked into time, you stop providing for your future and focus on childrens futures. As a kid, you dont understand why they give you money, presents, and try to send you to college with their own money. You just smile and say thanks then run on. As an adult you realise that the time and money they spent for you was never really returned from you. You see from their point of view, that it doesnt have to be returned and the only thing is that you appreciate it and learn the lesson they have been trying to show you through actions and not through their words. I guess there is more meaning behind the saying, its not what words you say but what words your actions say. ok, truthfully i just made that up, i had another one in mind but lost it.
They wanted to see me become a strong, respectable person. They wanted me to be proud of me, and for them to see me happy meant their happiness. They gave up alot of their money and time for me. They will always remain in my families memories as great representations of how family should treat each other. They were both great people, lead great lives, and lived happily with a great family! I would say that time and distance has pushed us all apart but just like they have always done before, they sacrificed their time to bring us all back together!
I feel that at the funeral, they will both be there standing on the stage looking down at us smiling, watching us remember them, with smiles on my grandparents faces as they hold hands and look around the room at how all the family has reunited. They would be able to see clearly how all of us kids grew up, the adults have grown responsible, and that all they have done has been well worth what they put into it!
The only thing left is for me to get home, put on my dress uniform and stand tall in front of them! Yet, i will be there in all of my greatness, strength, valor, sharply dressed in the military uniform, but they will still see the child there, in his fathers baggy uniform... God Bless them, and may both of them rest together in peace! I know grandpa has been waiting on her to hurry home to him, after all, we men are always waiting on a woman...
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I'm sorry for your lost...
ReplyDeleteI wrote that post because that is how I felt, no matter what you think is going on in my life you have no idea. You might think that I do not love you, but I will always love you no matter what you say, I still think about you everyday and I still care about you. The reason to why I didn't go to Vegas to see you is because I do not want to get hurt again, I don't think that neither of us has changed enough to have a healthy relationship, whether that is as friends or being together.