These days...

A little poem i felt like writing since im apparently going through some life altering changes

For you to see whats become of me is easier than one 2 three

It the shirt i wear the hideen fear

The stain on my face hiden from God's good grace

I must be laced with something with no taste

tears on my face

falling from grace

trying to be someones disgrace

i sit and shutter at every good lover

i waste and i face every good slate

with a mile of burden under every moonlit face

Looking to me to guide when i want to go hide

its like breaking the barriers while worlds collide

i tried and i cried dug and said goodbye

burried my goodbyes

but still there is a hole inside

it has no light

no sunny delight

its packed full of bad memories from which i subside

i hate to say i tried since it means i cannot try

but to carry your sin i must lay down my life

I started as a man searching for his grace lifted up my skirt and found no dick in trace

forever it was easy till i took my first step

different picture when u walk with a limp

i cannot convey how much my dismay keeps me away

convos lost to memories fog the memory that got away

i drink till im out and smoke till i shout

party nonstop to wash the memories away

but i still remember as if its yesterday

young buck me standing with no fears in his eyes

no tears in his soul

not afraid to take on the world as a whole

Its days like today that test my true shape

as a man on a mission to destroy all ambition

from the heart of evil ways...

It may destroy me but i will succeed in being the child in my mind

the one i left behind

the one too kind and loves like sunshine

the one who isnt afraid to wash evil away by being the little kid who only loves to play...

I stand a man with a tear on my face because deep down inside i know my true place

Im the guy who never can decide what should be his reason to be alive

So today this kid takes this mans place and suddenly i feel my souls embrace that

whatever i do will be done and whatever is in my way will not stay

I stand my ground as a man thats came around but i will not leave and go about my day

i will fight the demons that hold you tight

easier than one 2 three i know u see me and i know by the look on your face

Lets hope youre in God's good grace...

Happy Mothers Day...

Looking back for a moment...

All my life I have been in hardship after hardship... Trouble and pain...
There were always people there to at least say they would help me... People continued to push me and they never made anything easy for me!
Someone once said to me, the things we go through is a test... To make us stonger, wiser and so we may be prepared for what God has planned for us in the future!

I hold that close because even though I didnt have much of a childhood and being poor while struggling with a sick parent... I appreciate it because what i have learned as a kid, most adults have yet to even experience!

So as people, though most probably what society wouldnt accept, that helped me, im planning on using those skills and patience and gifts i recieve through hardship as a kid to apply them to my future... To push myself daily to remember, its not about fortune or fame not about being feared and respected but only about being a human being that people will look to when times get hard, when they have nothing left...

Being a person who can save the day...

So from here on, im going to stick to my guns and even when wronged, im just going to remember that most of these grown kids, dont know what theyre doing... So i will keep my pace, my footing and day by day work through my hardships to show others that the impossible can be done...

Fack...

"If youre scared of your shadow on this Earth, Don't aspire to do great things, people will eventually depend on you to stand and take action for whats right..." -Enjoy

Recently...

Recently I have been trying to dig deeper on the inside and really findout what makes me tick and what i enjoy and could find interesting as a career... Anyone who knows me for at least 5 minutes knows that im too nice to make it in Politics... So that idea is out the window...

I cant help but feel like, im not meant for this world... I cant turn on my own family, friends, and strangers for money... Shit, i give most of my money away! Trust me, fools choice. However, it means alot more to me giving it than it does recieving...

Its like since i was a kid, i have tried to be someone i am not... I never took the time to findout who i was! Trust me there are reasons for that but thats for a later time and with closer company... The more i look around and try to be myself, the more i see my face on others...

I wanted to be like everyone else when i was younger... I didnt have one role model, i had hundreds! I have looked up to everyone in some form or fashion... Now that i have surpassed most of those people they look to me and say, damn! he has done alot in his life and he is only 24... To tell the truth, its them i should be looking at and saying damn theyre awesome!

I dont know... Maybe im supposed to be homeless with no actuall job and supposed to live out in the country with animals and withdraw from the modern world...

Hopefully i figure this out because i dont think they have "cowboy" as a college class...

New quotes from me...

thats what gives u ur character... u cant hide urself from the world, just shine the right kind of light on urself and people will see u as ur meant to be seen!

some people dont understand the value of depression... its like antique shopping u know ur looking to buy old memories but ur never sure what u will find and how u will be able to use it...

alone is where u will face ur inner demons and alone is where u will find your strenght to fight off anything including those demons and once u emerge from those dark cold woods, u will see the light of life...

-1)I hate feeling isolated. It doesn't matter if I am outside or inside ... the feeling of loneliness ....
-2) i embrace it nothing more humanizing than holding that feeling close

a little confirmation of being on the right track always helps

Thank you Evon for the convo at 4am to help bring these small pieces of wisdom out of me!!! :D

Thats right...

For My Family...

I will become more mature and recognize my actions in a more realistic view...

I will take as many pictures as i can even if it makes me look goofy or wierd!

I will now live instead for you as well as myself...

I will push myself to succeed so that you prosper...

I will clean up my act and shave my beard, eat better and make sure that i talk to you all daily...

Recognize that its time to grow up and put childish things away and make mature sacrifices...

I love you guys...More than I tell yall or show yall...

And happy birthday Devin!

A reminder to myself...

Continue helping people because it helps me help myself!

Thoughts Here Of A Yesterdays Gone...

Woke up to a week that was planned on fun times and happy thoughts... Going to sleep on past regrets and decisions I shouldnt have decided...

For a relatively smart guy who prides himself mostly on his decision making abilities and his Intelligence, Im an idiot...

If God gave us free will and Judgement isnt from him but us... How would I judge myself if i dont trust myself and feel proud of what i have done and learned if i regret it...

Truth is... Alot of people depend on me whether they know it or not...
Im Jealous of others, hate to lose and am selfish... I love to win, but at what cost? I love to be right... But at what cost...

I feel as if i am right and when i am i rub it in others faces! Then they are sad for lying and they take it hard on themselves, and i dont really win... i dont win because im sad at what my arrogance and pride and righteous self determination to always be right has caused... If i dont make a deal of it, im wrong and theyre happy in their falsehood... I can deal with that better than seeing their sorrow and regret...

Maybe, im tired of being right... Maybe i would rather convince myself that im wrong than to see them hurt...

Maybe im supposed to be wrong...